Something is better than nothing

(At least in some cases.)

This is a pretty nasty little habit of mine. I don't ever want to start or do anything unless I'm positive I can follow through with it perfectly, hence the lack of posts here and excess of topics in my notebooks. I've got to dive in and just produce. I don't want to descend into merely dramatizing my life but if that's what it takes to write more regularly, so be it.

You've got to let them know you're thinking anything at all.

I can recap last week pretty easily: two hours of sleep over three days and lots of coffee. The midreview on Wednesday went well. I definitely need to improve on the graphics side of things though. That's one of my goals for the semester, to compose better presentation boards and learn how to create some awesome renders. It's late and I need some sleep.

Back to streets worth walking

I'm back in Berkeley and I've made it through the week rather unscathed and with high spirits. The promise of a clean slate in my classes and the resolution to focus on building my life have kept me optimistic. Of course there have already been some outrageous moments where I normally might have just lost my head and gotten completely frustrated, but I'm proud of myself for just handling them.

The inauguration Tuesday was amazing on campus. I got stuck behind the columns of the student union in the massive crowd of people, so I had to be moving my head around constantly to see the projection on Sproul. All kinds of people were gathered together to witness a historic event and to feel the hope embodied by our new president. However, I hope with all the inspiring words of the inauguration speech, people will realize securing the future will take much more than a single person to guide us through. I hope they will see beyond the promise of this new leader and realize each person needs to have hope for theirself and the resolution to be a part of the change. Not to just witness history in action, but to believe in their own power and the imperative of personal contribution.

More and more, I believe that the way we people live today cannot continue. Among the problems of modern society, such as the multitude of flaws in wasteful American lifestyles, the bleak degradation of character in today's youth, and the general decay of social values, we are too reliant on others to fix things for us. As if deus ex machina could be counted on to resolve all our self-centered problems, we expect the system and other people to remedy them without inconvenience to, or even action from, ourselves. This is an absurd and stubborn idea. However, there is hope, for I believe most people are capable of a greater social conciousness. It is only a matter of awakening it, and, from this, the fervor to act will naturally follow. I hope our new president will not be a symbol of hope in the sense that he will be the one to "fix" America's problems, for this will only perpetuate our problems and the deeper issues with the country and its people. Instead, I hope he will be the symbol of hope that we all can effect the change we wish to see. Hearing the words of the inauguration speech, I know I share this hope with him.

Starting off

So for the record, this site will be an assortment of the things contributing to my life. Whether it be a personal journal of sorts, place for thoughts and ideas, or collection of other interesting sites, it will first and foremost be an experiment in writing -- for myself to try to communicate and to expand what I'm comfortable talking about. Perhaps things will branch off in the future as I become more confident in writing, but for now, everything will be concentrated here. I expect that eventually I will allow myself to have others know and read the site, but I will probably keep my readership limited for some time. After all, my writing will include personal information as I see fit.

Being away from school has been great, although it's beginning to make me restless. Living at home is relaxing and I have almost nothing to worry about, but it basically means house arrest. I have the freedom to do what I want, but I feel I should stick around since I'm rarely home. Never mind the fact I don't keep in touch with almost any high school friends and there's not much to do here anyway. Yes, this place is a cultural wasteland. It makes me appreciate my lifestyle in Berkeley and the city so much more.

One of my goals for the year is to have the arts play a larger role in my life and really be enriched by them. Through literature, art, music, film, and whatever else, I want to enjoy life more. I've already read a couple books, The Life of Pi and Fahrenheit 451, and today I started The Kite Runner. So far I've seen the films Gran Torino, Revolutionary Road, and Vicky Cristina Barcelona as well. (I need to see the rest of the awards contenders soon.) Even more exciting, I treated my mom and sister to a Yo-Yo Ma concert in Los Angeles just recently too. I hope to post a review and some thoughts on everything I read, see, or hear this year.

Only few more days and I'll be heading back up to school. I've got to get back into getting things done and not lazing around so much. Completing my portfolio will be a start.

Panic attack

I can't seem to recall much from the past year. When I realized this hours before midnight on New Year's Eve, I started to panic. Laid down. Overwhelmed feelings. Tight chest pains. I felt myself shrinking under some tremendous pressure, yet at the same time, I was oddly removed from my body. It was frightening, having so many thoughts racing that I felt trapped. It's always about time. I've lived two decades now. What did I think when I was 10 (why can't I remember)? What will I think when I'm 30 (what might have happened by then)? What happens when time stops for me? Panic attack.

I am always worried about my memory. It scares me to death to think I might live without knowing what I've lived. Already I have trouble remembering day to day. So much input -- news, feelings, family, friends, me, life -- yet so little retention. What kills me is these include the that things matter the most and perhaps the only things that matter. My mind is constantly cluttered with the useless and I can't remember. I'll know I had an idea last month, I was on the verge last week, and I had an epiphany yesterday, yet I can't understand how or recall what today. Then, I feel that part of my brain must have atrophied some time between then and now, surviving only enough to remind me of a grave loss. Perhaps it's not an issue people my age tend to think about too often, but I wonder, do others fret over how critical to life memory is? My greatest fear? Alzheimer's. That slow insidious decay of remembrance and thought, falling into dementia.

Some assurance of my own life and humanity came from an unlikely and forgotten place, though in retrospect it should have been quite obvious. I remembered an old blog of mine, begun when I was sixteen and kept sacred for my four years of high school. It had fallen to the wayside when I left for college optimistic and assured of the enlightenment I would reach. Looking back and reading through some of the old drama and tragedies of my teenage life was admittedly embarrassing, even painfully so. But here was my life as I had lived it, the thoughts raw and unedited in the thick of then-seeming crises. I was surprised how words revived from years-old writing could muster more emotion in myself than memories from the closing year. Regardless of the situations, by the very nature of the passing of time life changed and so did my thinking. I doubt I had ever noticed it before and it was comforting. I realized whatever I do or whatever I'm going to do, life develops itself.

I've lost some of that old confidence but I've discovered much about myself too. It doesn't matter too much where I'm headed, even in the light of hopes and aspirations, but I really do need the past to anchor my life. I need to reflect and remember at times point to assure myself I'm growing as a person. The past year might be remembered for all the wrong reasons, yet it surely was formative. Invisibly so, it will still lead me with its lost histories. How about I build from here and try this once again to remember.

Life is short and understanding is fleeting.

New Year Resolutions

Be human.
Avoid outrageous and unreasonable expectations for yourself and others. Demanding so much from others is unfair and will just generate frustration towards them. Realize people are just that: people. They change and grow from one moment to the next. Stop expecting yourself to be a perfect person and holding yourself to unreasonable standards; no one is measuring you by them, only yourself.

Communicate.
Let your guard down and open up to others; you have to share yourself and meet people half-way. Being more confident and comfortable with yourself will let you talk and connect to people around you much easier. You constantly expect people to understand your cryptic thoughts and messages and then blame them when they don't. You want to people to understand you so be more clear in what you say and mean.

Follow through.
Take command of what you want to do and what you say you will do. You have the most control over your actions and your situations. You shouldn't depend so much on others to help you. Nothing has to be perfect from the start. Working through your struggles will only strengthen you and help you learn. Stop demanding fresh starts and making excuses to justify giving up.

Don't be so vulgar.
Have more respect for yourself and those around you. Use discretion in not only what you say but how you say it. Develop your vocabulary so you aren't using slang or curses to describe everything.

Happy New Year

Happy New Year. Here's to 2009.

I just realized I may have had a minor anxiety attack a couple hours before the new year.